new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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