Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
