just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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