I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
