Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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