all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
