So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i need some magic done to my vagina
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
