I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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