Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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