There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
