He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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