There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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