One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He better not be in your backpack
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
