So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
