Your face is a jimmy john
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
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