Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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