Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
