She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
