The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
