peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
