I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize