So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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