we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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