I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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