remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
