I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize