Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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