If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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