Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
