Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I checked into jail on foursquare
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
