went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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