my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
