I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So many bounce houses so little time
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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