new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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