I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
