Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
