My liver just broke up with me...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
