worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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