You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
