Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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