My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
