I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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