May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
