There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I deserve this hangover.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
