she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The struggles of a small town man whore
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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