I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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