You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
