dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
my liver is dry heaving
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize