i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What drink are we having for lunch?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
