I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What a dumb baby whore.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
