i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
