It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
