I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
