i was born a porn star she said
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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