Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
